The Sweetest Sin
by Crystal Fissure
Summary: It's been two days since the lockdown. Eli and Clare meet at the entrance of the school, to reminisce of that night and reconcile their relationship. ElixClare fluff


**A/N: I _did_ promise this would be the fluffiest thing this website has ever seen, right? I went all out on this. Massive overload of fluff, fluffier than any other fluff I have ever done. Seriously, if you don't implode from fluff overload by the end of the story... then I have failed you. T_T**

**I do not own the song "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars. Just thought the song might be relevant. FunFact! "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" played during the final episode of season 5 of Degrassi. You know, when Darcy's about to go into the school bus and Spinner runs after her and asks for a second chance? Yeah, then! :D**

**This story is dedicated to CatrienStardust because she is epically awesome as well as being an amazing writer. :)**

**Disclaimer: I never owned anything that needed its own disclaimer.**

**

* * *

**

_I don't have your answer. But if it's this… I don't think I can be with you._

Burns on your tongue last for days. You can't savour anything; can't taste the sweetness of candy or the bitterness of black coffee. It just feels… numb. Dead. Incapable of feeling.

Clare had burnt her tongue before on a cup of raspberry flavoured tea. She also remembered when Alli had burnt her tongue on a slice of hot pizza at lunch. It seemed everyone she knew only burnt their tongues with food. Never did she think words could burn it just as badly.

Yet those words she had so bitterly uttered to him two nights ago were still etched on her tongue, searing through her jaw and burning a hole in her heart. Food burns merely graze the surface. Word burns tear the soul apart, voiding you of feeling. Clare sat under the row of maple trees atop the picnic table across the school, staring blankly at the entrance… feeling numb.

Two nights ago, the entrance was decorated with glitz and glam and glitter, the students mindlessly herding towards the school like sheep with nothing on their minds but lady luck and a burning desire to win a flat screen TV. They didn't see what happened. They didn't see the things Clare had the misfortune to see. They were spared.

They did not know what it meant to lead the only person they could ever love to safety… only to have him refuse. They did not know how it felt to have him push you away, asking you to leave and let him take care of the danger himself. They did not know the intensity that fear can instil in your spine as you watch hopelessly from the sidelines; watching your best friend get hurt, maybe even die. Can you move? No, you're frozen in place. Not because you want to. No, because he _told_ you to. At that moment, you would want to do anything he'd ask. Especially when the intensity in his eyes as he spoke to you was absolutely paralyzing. But why watch your only love die and live the rest of your life living in complete numbness, never smiling again, never feeling again? Might as well throw yourself into the fray and die with him. Better to die and lose all feeling rather than live without it.

_God, that was strange to see you again…_

She stiffly turned her head the other way, drawn by the sound of piano and acoustics. She had heard that song before in some other distant reality. She probably had it on her mp3 player at some point in the past, before the numbness, before the cold feeling of the empty void she had fallen into. She had probably even had a love for it. But that was then.

Maybe there was no music at all. Maybe it was all in her head. So, this is what it felt to slowly go insane. It wasn't as bad as she had always envisioned it would be…

Or maybe _he_ just brought music with him wherever he went. Songs and melodies would reverberate from his every step and she would hear bells and harpsichords whenever he flashed her a famous smirk of his. She would hear her favourite song every time she let his unfaltering gaze pierce through her clear eyes, reaching out to her soul.

Yet, now… now as she gazed at the one thing she had prayed she wouldn't see here, _now_… She didn't hear it. Her favourite song had melted away into the shadows. She heard a different song; a song of loss and melancholy, not feeling sad over an ended love but remembering that once, at some point… there _was_ love.

_I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose_…

What was Eli doing here? Why, for the love of all that is pure and holy, would he decide to come here of all places, especially after what happened? Clare took a sharp intake of breath. Well now, _that's_ hypocritical. After all, what was _she_ doing there after what had happened?

Something about the school drew her here… She just had to see it for herself. To convince herself it was real, that at least _something_ was real. Watching him as he half-heartedly approached the school, staring blankly at the entrance… perhaps he needed to be convinced as well.

Half of her wished he wouldn't see her sitting on that picnic table; that he would finish gazing at the last place where he felt alive and be on his merry way. She didn't need to see him now, not when she was too numb to feel anything. But, that was only half of her. The other half wished he would sweep her off her feet and take the numbness away. Dreaming only gets you so far…

She let her gaze drop. When did everything go wrong? Why did things turn out the way they did? So, she had made a few mistakes; needless to say he had as well. If that was the case, where was the problem? Why can't things be easy again?

"Clare?"

Her head shot up as she let her jaw drop in shock, resting her gaze on him. How had he managed to see her, cross the street and come so _damn_ close to her without her noticing? She let him gaze into her eyes, completely speechless. What words could be said at a moment like this? When… everything is backwards, wrong and just… numb?

"May I sit with you?"

Of course… leave it to him to find something innocently irrelevant to say. She nodded briskly and watched intently as he took a seat beside her, staring straight at the school. Words were boiling inside her, dancing on her tongue and itching to escape. Evil words of hate and reprimand laced with love and affection. And confusion… a lot of it. She breathed in quickly; swallowing hard and hoping the words would fall down her throat and disappear. It wasn't the time to say anything. Even if it were, she wouldn't be the one to initiate it.

Eli stared blankly at the school, scowling. Why did he even fucking come here? Like he really needed any of this. And to top it all off, the girl who had so intricately and easily messed with his head, worming her way through his every thought and making it so much harder to breathe whenever she let him have a look at the gems she had for eyes… was _here_. She was probably furious with him. She was probably cursing herself for even letting him sit here. As if _he_ didn't have any reason to be upset? He _specifically_ told her to let him handle things, not to get involved and play the saint peacekeeper. Obviously she wasn't going to listen, what was he thinking? This is _Clare_; of course she was going to do what she wants. She was going to follow her heart and toss herself into the fray to save him, to actually _fucking save him_, from harm. It was hard enough for him to resist the urge to simply kiss her when she was around, why did she have to go and play the saint as well? He lay down on his back, sighing in frustration as he watched the leaves overhead sway with the wind. What's the point of even trying anymore?

Clare blinked furiously. What was that all about? He just lies down beside her, without saying a single word? She lifted her gaze, resting her eyes on the school's entrance. She assumed he would have at least _tried_ to make amends. But of course, how silly could she be? Eli, apologizing? An absolute pipe dream! That boy was so stubborn; he would never admit he was wrong. Sometimes he made her so… angry! Why did she care so much about his well-being? Why did she even bother _trying_ to do the right thing to begin with?

Oh, that's right… love. She winced at the thought. He was stubborn as sin, hot and cold, spontaneously spiteful and mindlessly violent with his enemies yet… when he looked into her eyes, his own spoke of a sweetness and sincerity she had never seen before. He teased her innocence and would smile whenever she would blush, knowing he was to blame for the rosy tint in her cheeks. And, somewhere along the way, she fell; not into a dark void of nothing, overcome with loss and numbness… she fell for _him_. All of him. His eyes, his smile, the way he smirked at her attempt to argue a useless cause, the way he could so easily finish her sentences and find the right thing to say when she was feeling strange… the way he was always able to read her every thought by merely gazing into her eyes, reading the unspoken words her voice would fail to speak.

She shifted her gaze slightly, resting her eyes on him without allowing him to notice. What had happened? Why did they go wrong? There was _something_ between them, something magnetic and _real_; real enough to make the numbness disappear. Why did they take it so far? She lay down beside him, staring blankly at the rustling leaves overhead. She noticed his face was twisted into a confused expression, as if he was looking for the right words to say. What difference would it make now?

The moments passed in silence with nothing but the sound of crackling leaves and their shallow breathing occupying the little space between them. Through the anger and numbness that loomed above them, it actually felt _right_ to lie here in silence, side-by-side. There were so many unspoken words that needed to be said, confessions of apologies and love… that could remain unsaid. _Anything_ to keep this moment, possibly the last moment they would spend together, alive and real.

"What do you suppose this song is about?" Eli suddenly asked softly, keeping his eyes fixated on the branches above him.

Clare's eyes widened. There was no music in the air. The only song she could hear was the one that constantly repeated itself in her head. Perhaps Eli heard it too. Maybe he was just as crazy as she was.

"It's called 'Your Ex-Lover Is Dead'. It's about… how two people reminisce about a time when they were in love and how… they don't regret it's over and that they've both moved on."

Eli let out half a chuckle. There was no music in the air, he was sure of it. Yet, Clare knew the song that drifted through his mind, ruining his train of thought. Seems he wasn't the only person who was slowly losing his mind. "That sounds… ridiculous."

"How so?"

Eli was silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "How do you look back to a time when everything was simply… perfect… and not wonder why it didn't last?"

Clare opened her mouth to speak only to find no words were able to find their way out. It seemed so trivial when the vocalists sang the song with pure sincerity but… when you would stop and recapitulate on it… it just wasn't that simple.

"Is that what we are?" he asked softly. Probably hoping she wouldn't hear it… why did he always slip when she was around? He held his head high around the rest of the world. How is it that this one simple girl could make him so nervous and insecure? She couldn't be _that_ simple.

She bit her lip. No, they couldn't be just a memory of old love that didn't last; she still had so much she wanted to say to him. He had angered her _so much_ two nights ago and she had said terrible things to him she wished she could take back. There were still so many unspoken words, words of love and understanding that needed to be said, dancing on the tip of her tongue and waiting for the perfect moment. And now, with the way he was speaking to her… will that perfect moment never come?

"I'm sorry, Eli," she said simply, easily fighting off a tiny build-up of moisture in her eye.

He shifted his gaze, turning to face the beautiful girl that lay beside him and taking in the perfect view. She was staring vacantly ahead, batting her perfect eyelashes on occasion. How could she, this… this angel of perfection and innocence with naught a bad bone in her body, be apologizing? "What for?"

She inhaled deeply. Those words that were itching to be said for the last two days were hopping erratically on the tip of her tongue. "For saying those terrible things. About how you deserved anything Fitz does to you? And that I can't be with you? I… I was upset. I didn't mean them."

There… she said it. If their love really was nothing but a dead memory of what once was, he should at least know she _felt_ something meaningful… even if it did only last briefly. Would she ever tell him how she truly felt? Perhaps never. At least with this apology… it could give her some form of closure.

"Why not? I'm glad you did."

She furrowed her brow in confusion as she turned to face the boy who lay beside her. Was he out of his mind? Hearing songs in his head wasn't exactly helping his mental stability but why would he be happy she would say such hurtful things to him? She felt her heart slowly break in two in her chest. She knew it was over, she knew her hope was dead. So why did it hurt to hear him confess it?

"Clare… I thought I was going to _die_ two nights ago," he began slowly, gazing at her pained blue eyes. Why was she so sad? Had he really hurt her that badly? How was he supposed to finish speaking now, knowing that he had caused the pain in that angel's eyes? Go figure… He brought pain and tears everywhere he went, what made him think Clare was any different? He couldn't live knowing he was causing her any amount of hurt… Fine. He'll leave. Even if his heart was filled with nothing but love and adoration for her, he'll leave, if that's what it would take to kill the pain in her eyes. He'll leave… after he tells her. Everything. How she ran through his veins, how she invaded his every thought and how her voice was the soundtrack to his sweetest dreams.

"Do you think I wanted that?" she asked briskly.

Eli sighed, squinting his eyes. She was going to make this much more difficult than it already was, wasn't she? "Of course not. Clare… During what I thought were my final hours, I… I realized something. There were still so many things I hadn't done, so many things I haven't said to those I hold dear…"

He watched her blink a few times as she listened intently to his story. Good, she was listening. But was it really necessary to blink? She robbed him half a second of gazing into her pretty blue eyes. If he was going to leave and never see her again… he needed to make every second with her count.

"Most of all… I thought of you. I thought of all the things I wanted to do with you, the things I wanted to say to you; even the trivial things, like watching leaves fall as we wrote our essays for class. Knowing that I would lose you forever, without the chance to look into your eyes again, to make you blush at my snide remarks, I…"

He paused for a moment, his expression going blank. Without warning, he quickly shifted his gaze to the rustling leaves overhead, laughing loudly. Clare's expression became perplexed. She _was_ beginning to question their sanity. Yet, Eli might have been slightly crazier than she was.

"Look at me, _gushing_," he laughed, adding cyanide to the last word, "I _never_ do this. I sound sappier than a Hallmark card. What have you done to me, Clare Edwards?"

She felt the corners of her lips twitch upwards. Did she really have the urge to smile? Odd. Smiling seemed so trivial when she was lost in the dark void of numbness; she had forgotten how to do it. Yet, Eli was always the one to make her smile, even in the darkest of times. Why would this have been any different?

"Is that a bad thing?" she asked, allowing herself to smile for the first time in two days.

He laughed again, shaking his head before turning to face her once more. "I can't say. All I know is, nothing else is relevant when I'm with you. And when you're gone, all I can do is count the seconds until I see you again. I didn't kiss you in the library just for the hell of it, Clare; I meant it. I can't even begin to imagine life without you and I don't ever plan on letting you go. I…"

She watched with awe as he struggled to say the last few words. She didn't need him to say them; she already knew. Three words that would mean the world to her, dancing on the tip of his tongue, hesitant to be spoken.

Along the way, she had fallen for him. She couldn't say exactly how; but she was absolutely certain of one thing: she loved him. He had snatched her heart from under her nose and had the uncanny knack of stealing her breath away when he would gaze into her eyes, his own filled with pure sincerity. She was familiar with saying those three words he struggled with; she had said them to him so many times in her sweetest dreams. Perhaps, for once, reality was better than her dreams…

"I love you, Eli."

His eyes widened with shock as he watched the blushing angel that lay beside him. She had stolen the words from his mouth, the words he wasn't able to say. Yet, when _she_ uttered them, they were filled with truth and honesty. She gazed at him in earnest, her eyes serious but loving. She meant it… every single word. She had fallen as hopelessly as he had. And although he may not have been able to live without her… perhaps she wasn't able to picture life without him either.

With those four words so intricately woven together in a perfect design, he didn't need any more consent than that.

He softly pressed his lips to hers, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer as she rested her dainty hands around his neck. Never did they think something so sweet and simple could feel so perfect. At that moment, the world surrounding them didn't matter; not the school, not the trees nor the rustling leaves overhead. They had found the very meaning of perfection here, in each other's arms. The rest of the world didn't matter.

She smiled against his lips, breaking their kiss. After tasting perfection, it was all clear in Eli's mind. He smiled softly at her, gazing into her eyes.

"I love you, Clare."

His words were filled with as much sincerity as hers had been. It was so odd to be able to say so much in so little. That one word, that one convoluted little word, summarized everything they held dear, everything they lived for. Yet, maybe one word was enough. Enough to bring them together, to string their hearts together into one perfect design. As their fingers intertwined and their gazes rested on the other's eyes, that one word meant nothing less than perfection to them. Their sweetest sin: _love_.

_Live through this and you won't look back_

_

* * *

_

**Ah, fluff. Fluffity fluff fluff. More fluff than I'm used to. XD I also realized my favorite word is "intricate". Don't know why, but I seem to overuse it. :D**

**Did you like the fluff? Do you want MORE fluff? Yes? See that little button at the bottom that says "Review"? Know what happens when you press it? :D More fluff, that's what. XD**


End file.
